If you are anything you are like me you are always looking for your next fix of writing. Always looking for that high only achieved from a great piece of storytelling. I seriously recommended reading anything by Scott Sigler. Some people praise the literary types or the popularity of run-of-the-mill stuff. Not me. I need a piece of work that grabs you from the start and will not go. I need a piece of work comparable to a Rottweiler. A piece of work that will grab you by the throat and will not let go until you submit. An author who is not for the faint hearted. Everyone should read his work at least once. Been a fan ever since I picked up Infected for £5 in ASDA about 4-5 years ago. I am proud to say it is one of the few books I keep rereading regularly ever since. There is a reason the guy refers to his fans as junkies. Once you’ve picked up a piece of his work it is too late, you are hooked. Not convinced enough to fork out a little cash to support this guy? No worries. He records his work as podcasts. http://podiobooks.com/contributor/scott-sigler/ listen to one of his books and I am sure you’ll be hooked spread the word. This guy is a great choice for those fans of horror and sci-fi. Once you’ve listened to his work and become caught up in the lives of characters such as Perry Dawsey, Dew Phillips, Sonny McGuiness, Connell Kirkland, Bryan Clauser and Pookie Chang I am sure that like me you will be hooked.
Bet no-one’s wondering why the incredibly vague title for a post. However like the title itself this post will probably remain very vague. No idea why, but that’s half the fun isn’t it? Life would be incredibly dull if anyone had a clue over what on earth they were doing. Anyone who claims to have life sorted is either lying to you or themselves (or even more often both), life is amazingly complex, absolutely anything can happen and more often than not will happen. Life will throw a spanner in any plans you may have and just laugh at the chaos. Only thing you do can laugh along with it. There are bad points as well as good but the bad will only make the good that much sweeter. Simply enjoy the ride and be the first to laugh when things go wrong, only way to cope.
Rules I like to live by:
1. Cause no unnecessary physical, mental or emotional damage to anything.
2. Have enough to provide food, water and shelter to anything in your care.
3. Most importantly and hardest (despite being simplest) be happy with what you are doing.
Now a side note to everyone younger than me. It is just hilarious when you comment on being or feeling old. I guess if I was actually an old man it would be incredibly irritating. However still being and feeling quite young I can’t help but laugh in your faces. You are all too young to be complaining about feeling old or anything that hasn’t happened in your life yet. Enjoy being young it is fun, don’t worry if you feel you haven’t got life down to a fine art. No one in the world has a clue, some are just better at acting like they know what they are doing. People need to relax more.
Due to a number of events that have taken place in the last six or so months a certain dark subject has been parading back and forth across the back of my mind. That subject is mortality. So I thought my few loyal followers would appreciate a perfect bucket list for the slightly insane.
1. To walk into a high end clothing shop in the guise of a tramp and purchase a highly expensive item of clothing with cash. Extra points for having the guts to answer anyone who asks if I need assistance in all seriousness with the phrase “Do you think this suits me?” whilst turning in front of a mirror.
2. To walk into my local CD Emporium in one’s finest garments including top hat, monocle and cane and approach the shop assistant to ask: “My good sir may one perchase (that phrase is phonetic) the latest phonograph by a young master Jay Z” All the while polishing one’s monocle.
3. Approach a car dealership. Sit oneself into a sports car on display inside the building. Once the salesperson is sat right besides me drive straight through the glass window. Once this is achieved casually step out the car, hand over the keys and say “No, I don’t think it’s for me.” And walk away as if nothing has happened. (Credit for this one goes to me mother)
4. Enact a number of similar situations.
I have realised that what I would do if faced with my own mortality is to put myself in as many slightly confusing (to those around me) situations and act as serious as possible. Strange really that the first few things I’d think of doing involve slightly confusing anyone I come in contact with. Possibly just another sign of my insanity.
OK i’ve spent the last (roughly) hour on youtube. I’ve been jumping between bands I have a lot of love for but see very little connection in reality apart from being good. I’ve gone from Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee to a mash up of Tourniquet and Lose yourself (the connection here is obvious, it is the haunting voice of Amy Lee) to Paramore That’s what you get. Which in turn linked me to nothing but the great 30 Seconds to Mars. More specifically Closer to the edge. Then back to Paramore. (Playing god was my next choice amongst the many paramore songs I could have chosen) This choice led me once again back to 30 Seconds to Mars. (Capricorn was chosen) Which led to even more Paramore. (Monster) Next was the Kill by 30 seconds to mars. Which once again led me back to Paramore. Ignorance to be precise. Don’t get me wrong I’ve enjoyed every single one of the songs I’ve listened to but apart from the fact they can both get classified as Rock and bands I like I am struggling to understand why the related videos for Paramore will only take me to 30 seconds to Mars and the related videos for 30 Seconds to Mars will only take me to Paramore songs (especially as I’m using a private browser to explore the videos of songs I like for some reason that is beyond my understanding)
Ok well as I’ve already stated here is a near perfect zombie plan: http://theslightlyinsane.tumblr.com/post/6803995531/zombie-plans but somehow you’ve managed to ignore all that advice and found yourself stuck in a city despite all the above advice. Here is how you survive.
1) Find the nearest tower block. You want to avoid the tower blocks which have a large number of large windows.
A tower block like the one above should do fine. Not enough windows for zombies to crawl through but enough for you to see the horde coming from a few miles away.
2) When you’ve found a suitable tower block make sure there are at least two staircases. You want to booby trap each staircase but need to make sure you do not cut off all exits if the horde manage to get up to the floor you are situated in.
3) OK now you’ve found a tower block that seems suitable you need to check EVERY single room. You do not want to be surprised by some random rabid zombie in a flat now do you? AT NO TIME ARE YOU TO REMOVE A SINGLE DOOR! In a zombie apocalypse a door in a tower block is equal to even more safety, so find someone who can pick a lock as soon as possible. A lockable door is both extra security and danger at the same time so beware of any locked door but do not destroy the door. Open without destroying the door. Check the room is safe, then mark the room as a safe house before moving on.
4) OK now let us assume you have somehow managed to check every single room and booby trapped the two (at least) staircases. Next thing you need is someone who can garden. The roof is the best place for this. Build you and your group a garden with veg, herbs and spices. The veg you are going to grow is going to have to support everyone who gathers in your now secure tower block for an indefinite amount of time so make sure it is safe to eat and self-sustainable.
5) The garden is complete. The staircases are booby trapped. DO NOT GO BELOW THE THIRD FLOOR! You want to make sure at least three floors are free from zombie food aka people. Anyone below the third floor will be likely to be attacked and draw the horde towards your group so ensure you keep anyone in your survival group is above this floor. Floors 1 - 3 = danger floors, 4 and above = safety, so block and booby trap every inch of at least the first three floors, include some non-electrical monitoring system so you can have an advanced warning. You need to ensure that anything that reaches the third floor WILL die and remain dead.
6) As for your group you will need a locksmith (or even better find the person who has access to each room in the tower block AKA the manager of the tower block) for checking the rooms, gardener for food and at least four people who know how to work a blade/gun/weapon for protection. You shall need to keep at least one person on guard per staircase or entry point into the designated sleeping areas at ALL times. If any exit/entrance is unguarded for a second, your group will not survive. The more survival based skilled people you have in your group the better.
7) Unlike the previous zombie plan, large numbers of uninfected people is a plus. You need people to help you survive in a major city/town. The best way to survive if you fail to leave a place which once had a large population is to ensure that enough people remain uninfected to protect the group. With a handful people you will not survive, with a larger group you can rotate the duties that are needed to survive and allow all to remain alert if under attack.
For further information I recommend you listen to We’re Alive. It is a brilliant podcast and has covered pretty much everything mentioned above and much, much more. In actuality this article may be seen as a plagiarised version of the great podcast, but in all honesty I’d prefer to think of it as an extended and possibly over-worded but non-sanctioned advert/homage, more inspired by the podcast than actually copied. (If by any chance you end up reading this guys who made “We’re Alive” I’m a massive fan and love your podcast so please don’t sue, I’m really poor so it’ll probably be pointless and I’ve referenced you as my only source for this article, I just agree that the tower block is the best way to survive and have thought along similar lines of your podcast since I first found an interest in all things zombie many years ago and I deeply desire you to get even more popular as you so very much deserve). The podcast is brilliant and offers a great way to survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Go to www.zombiepodcast.com now or look up we’re alive on iTunes and subscribe. Let’s get these guys the massive fan base (I know they have already managed to get a massive fan base on their own merit but they NEED to break it into the big time aka novel/TV/film, the writing and story is brilliant and deserves to be picked up in a visual medium in the next few months, it will make one of the best series of movies or TV shows ever made) they truly deserve. I know the second I get any sort of money, I’m going to buy the CDs/merchandise and I hope those that read this article feel EXACTLY the same after subscribing. If you take one thing away from this article take this message: Listen to we’re alive.
I know now more than ever, thanks to my parents, I was born in the wrong decade. I am a massive fan of all the music that is now classed as “classic rock”. I would give almost anything to return to the time that Sabbath, AC-DC, Led Zeppelin, Iron Maiden, Metallica and the other legends of rock were at their best and ruled the charts. All my generation has done for music is a load of rubbish boy/girl groups and rubbish singers that are an insult to the name of music, such as Justin F***ing Bieber, Rebecca Black (seriously who told either of them that they could get a career in music? You should be ashamed of yourself if you have helped these people in any way along their way to stardom they are destroying music with their rubbish) and anything under the genre of dub-step, which is more noise than music. Moral of the story so called “pop” music sucks but remains in the charts thanks to the rubbish tastes of everyone born around and after 1990 and the actual good bands that fall under the rather wide and open super-genre of rock are dismissed because idiotic people automatically assume that rock means the incredibly heavy or depressing stuff rather than the music that has a worthwhile message behind it.
Well ok against the advice of the various voices in my head (I’m not crazy, honest) I have decided to give you all the opportunity of the moment and state that I have in fact created an email with the sole purpose of allowing you, my most loyal stalkers/followers the opportunity to interact with us over at the slightly insane. I shall try to check it at least once a week but in reality it will probably be fortnightly or even monthly. I will also try to answer as many as possible. State a basic overview in the subject or else it may get ignored. I feel it would be very possible to answer all queries at the time being as there are so few of you but if (or hopefully when) this grows I may not be able to answer them all and I apologise in advance for any unanswered emails. Email email@example.com for random rubbish or to voice your opinion on anything mentioned in this blog. Advanced warning any comments I feel worthy of being shared with the world may be included in this tumblr but aliases will be used to avoid you being found out.
OK vague title I know but in here I shall explain a few things. Let’s start with the fact I’m vegetarian. Many people ask me why I choose to be vegetarian. Simple answer to that is I don’t like the fact that something has to die for me to live (may seem a bit naive to some people but I’m not that idiotic trust me it will be explained) I hate the fact that in taking a life to survive it automatically values myself above all other forms of life. Unlike other vegetarians however I don’t look down on those that eat meat. It is their own choice and they are entitled to it just please don’t question why I chose to live my life the way I live it.
People have found out I was raised in a vegetarian household and they assume that this is the reason behind it. Again not true. I was raised in a very liberal household. I have always been offered the option to live my life how I see fit. My parents have always given me the opportunity to eat meat if I wanted to. The only decision about my own life I have never had a say over was the fact I was christened. The only reason that happened was because at the time my family was Christian (not extreme but agreed that the church had the right idea with the whole love thy neighbour thing) other than that I have been allowed, in fact highly encouraged, to live my life how I see fit.
I know for a fact my parents wouldn’t care what I chose to be. I know I am extremely lucky when it comes to parents. To truly disappoint my parents I would have to join the armed forces and kill people or become a bigot. Other than that they would not care what I did as long as I was happy.
I see my life as full of contradictory opinions. I am extremely anti-war. I think the whole thing is never justified. Millions loose their lives for no reason. I can see there is no good that comes from war. However I often find myself in a contradictory position as I accept there is occasionally a need to kill. I wouldn’t class myself as a pacifist for many of the extreme reasons that people give for fighting wars. I just disagree with the scale of wars and the fact that innocents get involved.
I have on more than one occasion said that nature is beautiful. This is something I know to be true. It is just brilliant. This opinion has been challenged on many occasions and I have been called naive because of this. Many state the fact we live in a cruel world. They never realise I see the cruelness but I know and have seen the brilliance that rises to combat this injustice. They state about the fact that young animals die as a result of their predators killing their parents. I see the predators and their young surviving. They mention the prey surviving because of the predators failing to hunt. I concentrate on the fact life still goes on. I know the cruelty of this world but unlike those that question my beliefs I know it exists BECAUSE the world is in balance. There is good to almost every bad thing that happens. Where there is death there is life. I recognise that why can’t you?
Another thing I fail to understand is angry drunks. I get happy drunks. Alcohol can make you very happy and talk a load of rubbish. I know I have been there. Often I’d admit to being awesome when drunk (an opinion I have only ever had drunk). I get depressed drunk, again through experience. Life can seem harder once you’ve had a drink. But how can anyone be bothered to look for a fight when drunk? I can’t see how anyone has the energy to fight after they’ve had a bit to drink. I have always found that stuff that would usually wind me up seems less important after a few pints.
OK conclusion time. I am very laid back. My opinions on the world almost always contradict themselves but I am well aware of this fact, so it is idiotic to think I am naive. My parents are pretty awesome because they are so accepting but don’t tell them that, don’t want them to get too big headed and arrogant. Finally and most importantly as someone who sees alcohol as a substance that relaxes the mind I find it very confusing how some people become violent and blame it on the drink. If you are what people call a violent drunk it isn’t the drink’s fault. It is your own. You are a very violent person who is using the drink as an excuse. I shall never understand people who get classed as violent drunks. They are just violent people who happen to drink on occasion.
Dealing with the situation the writer’s/my family’s way. When life gives you lemons:
- slice lemons
- Find drink (alcoholic or non-alcoholic, it doesn’t matter it is up to the drinker)
- Pour out a glass
- Add lemon slice
- Sip whilst contemplating life
- Relax, you just had a drink AND received free lemons from some unnamed source.
Yes, it is true that life can be difficult occasionally. It can be hard or seem unfair. It may not be all that you want it to be or you may not have the life you dreamt of when you were younger. However you are still alive.
Out of difficult situations can arise a tale worthy of telling. They help form an artist’s greatest works fuelled by pure emotion. If you don’t believe me research some of the greater writers, poets, musicians and painters, many struggled with life around the time that their masterpieces were created.
These difficult situations also offer you the opportunity to discover the type of person you are. They give you the opportunity to find out if you can cope when life seems like it is at its worst. If you have managed to survive the difficult times in life you are unbeatable.
Remember, life may appear harsh at times but it is very rarely fully against you. If it was you would have no emotional attachment to the negative. You wouldn’t be able to recognise the good in life. The bad would lose all meaning. It would just be. The bad also helps you appreciate the good. It makes the good aspects in your life that much sweeter. The bad you experience magnifies the good.
Life is not bad. Nor is it fully good. Life is balance. To survive you must accept the bad and embrace the good. Therefore, when life gives you lemons, do as my family do and slice them up and have a refreshing drink whilst you relax and let your mind wander. It will make you feel that much better.